A Perfect Journey

I have always said that my Sadhana “challenges” are just for fun. Not to diminish the power of a daily practice, but to say that there are more important things to focus on in life than hitting a forty day, ninety day, or one-thousand day practice checkpoint. However, I can also be really hard on myself — it’s a subconcious thought/behavior pattern that tells me I’m a failure, or that I’m not good enough. In April, I had a nasty head cold that left me bed-ridden and unable to breathe out my nose for days straight, making my pranayama practice impossible. Then, as the sickness faded, I found out I was pregnant and the nausea + fatigue sat in. I did my best to practice some semblance of my Sadhana for the next eight weeks, but felt worse by the day. At that point, I hadn’t yet given up my weekly class or my client practice. I wasn’t even really present for my Sadhana anymore — my body so tired and my mind so foggy that I was 100% phoning it in. All so that I could add another day to my count. I even had to go to the Emergency Room one evening because my nausea was so intense that I was unable to eat or drink anything for almost twenty-four hours. Still, everyday I would see that growing number. The bigger it got, the more afraid I was to stop. So I kept phoning it in for the sake of my ego. One evening, as I lay down to sleep, the realization that I hadn’t practiced yet that day. I wanted to jump up and go practice, but my body begged me not to. Luckily, in the quiet of night, I was able to let myself listen to the whisper of my heart, asking me to S L O W  D O W N, to stay in bed, to allow myself to rest because the truth is: I am growing a whole human inside me! It’s no easy feat. 

After that, I struggled with feelings of failure and shame. How can I inspire consistency, commitment, and devotion to daily practice when I let my own slip away? I had reached 484 days of consecutive practice. Would I ever be able to reach it again, especially with a baby on the way? I felt like I could never share it with my clients, let alone my entire community. I saw myself as a total fraud. 

And yet, I knew exactly what I’d tell a client who was going through what I was. So after letting the feelings of shame and failure bubble up and pass, I reminded myself that 484 days is a heck of an accomplishment. I reminded myself that it was just for fun; that the number wasn’t really the end-goal, but rather a tool for me to get even more invested in the journey. I reminded myself that I hadn’t lost anything, that the experience I had was mine forever. The self-mastery, wisdom, and understanding I gained was not only still there, but had deepened through the experience of dropping my daily practice and surrendering myself to what was most needed in the moment. 

photo by Austin Ferguson

photo by Austin Ferguson

Moving forward, I see that perhaps a twenty-minute poem recitation isn’t the most conducive to the transformation my life is taking on. I still interact with the sound current daily, but have decided to select a new daily practice that can be as short as three minutes and as long as sixty-two — this way, I gain flexibility and will no longer absolutely require twenty minutes each day. In six months, when I’m caring for this gorgeous soul outside of the womb, I know finding just those three minutes each day will be a miracle. I find myself most drawn to pranayam techniques, as they can be practiced anywhere, anytime and the effects are immediate. Funnily enough, this is exactly what I tell so many of my clients to do! 

Now that I’ve jumped back on the wagon, I can see that this was all part of my perfect journey. I am a better student, better teacher, and better human for it. I have more compassion for my humanness than ever before. 

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"It is very graceful, very essential, very human, and very divine when you accept yourself. What is this game you play? You want to be perfect? What is perfect? Perfect is dead. Seen/unseen, existent/non-existent; when all the polarities come to the neutralized Self, that is perfect. We are vibrating people. We are perfectly imperfect and imperfectly perfect." Yogi Bhajan

As I navigate this journey of pregnancy and motherhood, I am shifting slightly the way I offer my one-on-one sessions. Moving forward, I am only allowing a maximum of four clients each month. Each session is sixty minutes long: the first thirty minutes spent practicing hand-picked Kundalini Yoga practices to serve your intentions, lifestyle, and needs, while the last thirty minutes are spent in dialogue as we create your daily practice and go over any questions or concerns you may have. Following the session, you have access to me daily via text/email for forty days as you begin your own journey to self-mastery, prosperity, and radiance. You also receive a FREE COPY of The Sacred Self-Care Journal, a powerful tool to help you deepen your commitment, focus your intentions, and connect with yourself throughout this transformative experience. The Sacred Self-Care journal includes writing exercises for manifestation, 30+ other Kundalini Yoga practices for you to try, special Full and New Moon spreads, as well as daily, weekly, and monthly check-ins. To book a session, email me at RITUALRADIANCE@GMAIL.COM.