A Valley Of Hardship | Thoughts On My First Trimester

The first trimester was, for me, quite rough. As grateful and excited as I was to embark on the journey of pregnancy and motherhood, I couldn’t deny the fact that I felt like crap from the moment I awoke until I drifted off into sleep. I knew about fatigue and morning sickness, I was aware that it didn’t only occur in the morning. Yet I hadn’t ever imagined that it would be a persistent nausea and dizzying lack of energy that lasted all day, everyday, for two-and-a-half months straight. I tried to romanticize it in my head, telling myself that it was a luxury to lay around all day. The truth was, I missed getting to work. I missed doing hours of yoga and meditation. I missed cooking, going on hikes, even cleaning my apartment. I missed eating the way I used to, before nausea saturated every meal and the moments in-between. Listening to my body’s needs, I stopped taking on clients, stopped teaching my weekly classes, and stopped sharing on social media. It was good for me, this level of slowness and stillness. Even still, I battled against it almost-daily, guilting myself for being so lazy, leading to me feeling bad about guilting myself in the first place. I was intensely grateful that I had a life flexible enough to accommodate these crazy body shifts, but beyond ready to move past all of this and begin feeling like myself again. 

It was interesting, though, to observe my thought patterns during this time. I realized that I still equate my success with my level of busy-ness. As someone who has been actively building a business for over two years, laying around all day made me feel like a total failure. Unable to cook or clean, fears arose that my husband saw me as a burden and was secretly resenting me.  My silence on social media brought up worries that others would forget about me and my work, that when I did return, no one would care or be interested in me. Of course, these thoughts and fears weren’t rooted in reality or the truth, they were rooted in my own insecurity and ego. So I allowed them, observed them, and opened up an opportunity to heal. When a limiting thought pattern came up, I let it. Fighting the thought pattern or trying to stop it was more draining energetically than letting it happen. But then I also countered it, lovingly, with the expansive truth: that I am successfully growing my first child in my womb, alongside my gorgeous, heart-centered business. My husband loves me more deeply than ever and actually wants to keep me nourished, comfortable, and healthy. My work is needed in the world and those who resonate with it will do so regardless of how often I post on social media. 

photo by Austin Ferguson

photo by Austin Ferguson

Gratefully, the last several days have seen a gradual shift towards normalcy. My energy levels are rising, I’m working once again and earning more than I imagined, I’ve enjoyed cooking and hiking again. I even completed a course that I’ve been slowly working on for a year now, earning my certificate in organic skincare formulation and skin science. Truly, this is all with a newfound level of gratitude for my able-body, this journey into motherhood, and every single miracle life blesses me with — big or small. As difficult as this first trimester has been is equal to the strength I have gained as a result of it. We have these experiences not so that we can be defeated, but so that we can be victorious. And today, I feel absolutely victorious. 

 “For every beautiful thing, you have to pass through a valley of hardship. There is no liberation without labor.” - Yogi Bhajan