For as long as I can remember, I’ve wished I was older. I started lying about my age in the 5th grade to attract older men. Of course, “older men” in the 5th grade is a freshman in high school. I was only ten but wanted so badly to be fifteen. I stopped growing around thirteen and loathed my 5’4 height, always hoping to make it to 5’5. I wore pounds of makeup, sexy clothing, and high heels regularly — sometimes changing after I got to school so my parents couldn’t object. I was absolutely neurotic. And it just continued… throughout my entire teenage existence. People always told me how young I looked and it always stung. After I turned twenty-one, I felt more at ease, like I had finally overcome this great obstacle of youth. Even still, I hadn’t fully healed this insecurity.
When, about a year-and-a-half ago, I realized that I felt a deep calling to be a teacher, I was paralyzed. My mind kept repeating the words, You look like a teen. No one will be interested in hearing what you have to say. You’re young, naive, and will probably end up saying something stupid anyways. You have a super easy side-job that pays well — don’t mess with what isn’t broken. And I ate it right up. I went deep into my own personal practice and became more devoted than ever, but I still felt unworthy and unintelligent. As crazy as it seems, I would wish I was just a couple years older so others might find me more qualified. Staying in my practice, I naturally came to face this insecurity again and again, each time in hopes to heal it.
Then, at the start of December, I had this incredibly powerful client meeting. I was creating a Sadhana (daily spiritual practice) for this gorgeous woman who is a cosmic channel. I end each session with a meditation, and close the mediation by singing a prayer called “May The Long Time Sun”. After I sang for my client, she told me that I became visibly radiant and had golden light shining from within. Then, she began unexpectedly transmitting messages for me, saying that I must not wait to share my light, my voice. That the resonance of my voice contained deep healing. When she stopped, we both began to cry from the intensity of it all. She hadn’t transmitted in years, by choice, and hadn’t intended to then. After we said goodbye, I felt saturated with love and wisdom, finally realizing that I had something beautiful, unique, and essential to share with the world.
“When you become insecure, you goof. … Why be insecure? Breath is free! It is automatic! The Earth is rotating. You are living. If you are kind, compassionate, and caring, nothing can go wrong.” - Yogi Bhajan
Since then, I have devoted each and every day to stepping more into my power, my wisdom, my radiance, my grace, my nobility, and my role as a Teacher. And I continue to. Each time I feel insecure, I know that I simply am being called to push past my perceived limitations. In this realization, I can shift out of my fear and insecurity and into my infinity, expanded.
A couple of weeks ago, I signed a contract to begin teaching weekly classes in a community space. As I sat in the Uber on my way to meet the owner for the very first time, I began to get nervous. I suddenly started wishing I was older. But about three seconds in, I cut the thought with a beloved mantra, Ajai Alai. Each time the thought tried to resurface, I cut it with the mantra again. I reminded myself that even if it didn’t work out with this space, that it was still a victory, because I was taking the very first step on the path that I had to take. And it didn’t matter whether or not I wished I was ten steps ahead, because I was right here, at step one. So, I took the step, and I got the space. Stepping out into the cold Colorado air after the meeting, I felt more radiant than ever. After all the time spent worrying and wondering, for it to end up being so effortless — it felt both surprising and affirming. These practices really do work. Which is why I am so incredibly grateful to have them. And so powerfully inspired and excited to share them with you.
All my love.